diagnosis : PMS

"Infectious diseases will last as long as humanity itself"


The Pseudo Maal Syndrome(attituditis)

"of the two PMSs, the worse one to have-Dick Cranius"


PMS may be defined as infection of the brain of a healthy young female with unhealthy thoughts and hallucinations about her own importance.
such afflicted persons have been termed at various times as the wannabe maals, the kim sharmas, she-who-must-not-be-named and many other synonyms, listing of which would be too exhaustive for this book.

Problem statement

WORLD

being an highly infectious disease, PMS is endemic in mot developing countries, with frequent outbursts of minor and major outbreaks.
the exact incidence amounts to, according to WHO about 10-27 women per 100 are affected annually.
also, like chickenpox almost all girls have been afflicted by it at least once before they reach 20.
again, also like chickenpox, the clinical features are more prominent and exaggerated in case of adult life.

INDIA

for practical purposes, India can be divided into areas of low, intermediate and high endimicity.
the exact incidence of PMS in india is not known. however, the Indian literature is replete with numerous reports of sporadic and epidemic occurrence of this disease in various cities, residential colonies and campuses.

Epidemiological determinants

Agent factors

(a)AGENT: the causative agent, named the attivirus from the attiviridae family of viruses.
(b)RESISTANCE: the virus is fairly resistant to heat and chemicals. even pepsi.
(c)RESERVOIR: the human cases are the only reservoir of infection.

Host factors

(a)AGE: attivirus infection is more common in young adults and adolescents.
(b)SEX: affects only females. although some male cases have also been reported.
(C)IMMUNITY: no effective immunological response has been observed.

Enviromental factors

cases may occur throughout the year. and can occur in any area.

Modes of transmission

(a)by contact with infected host/
(b)sometimes, even just by looking.

Clinical features

the clinical spectrum of PMS may vary from a mild illness to a severe form.


however the salient features of attivirus-infection may be summarized as:
1. sudden change in attire, leaning towards the skimpier version
2. sudden liking of expensive, tasteless as well as unaffordable goods.
3. staring down of any person that is looking at the patient, or even persons who are not.
4. sudden liking of shows like roadies, splitsvilla and other reality shows.
5. sudden hanging out with persons suffering from severe bitchitis.
6. a profile on a social networking site, suddenly sprouting pictures in random poses,and also of random stuff, like feet, cats and whatnots.

other related symptoms and signs may also be present.


Complications

in most cases it is a self-limiting disease.
however in immunocompromised and depressed patients it may have a fulminant course.

Diagnosis

is based on clinical findings.

Control

its OUTOFFRIGGINCONTROL dude.

Prevention

run. fast. as fast as your feet can take you.



for the medical people reading this, yes, it IS in fact made in the format of K.Park, nightmare of all.

hmm. long one. I know.
also, an announcement.

HIATUS SEMILUNARIS
starting today, this blog will be on a hiatus for a month.
its not writer's block. its something else.
other blogs shall not be read.and comments shall not be replied to.
for a month, that is.

will be back, on or before 15th july.

we shared a moment that will last till the end.

things that pisses off the cow outside my hostel, while he's facebooking/orkutting/blogging

where did I see a cow, you ask?
are you sure youre in india, I ask.

but why does it have a facebook profile, orkut profile AND a blog, you ask?
this is manipal, yo!
he is an urban indian cow, dumbass.
he's classy and not rural.

he's christian.
and his name is bob.

he's bob the male cow.

how do I know that he's a guy-cow?
because he's in love with ganga the hyderabadi cow.

why is he a cow and yet a male?
genetic engineering.

err. yes.

so I had this conversation with bob over coffee at CCD(the one in front of the engineering college, central library doesnt allow cows inside, feh, racists.)
he likes frappe the most, if you want to know.





OOOPS.

wrong picture.








aah. yes. back to the topic.

bob tells me that he gets really pissed off with some orkut and facebook profiles that he's been seeing lately.

1. uncool studs who act like studs and put ER in front of their names.

what is WRONG with these people, bob says.at first I thought it was some really cool degree of something.that you get that title after doing lots of hard work, like Dr. or Prof. or Count.

then I go and ask one of them.and he says thats because he got into an engineering college.which is not even IIT.

meh. stupid humans.

dude! you dont even know the proper use for hair gel! its not for head hair*!! and youre already balding! please take out the title.




2. you know the sites that let you put up your picture in some imaginary billboard.

and you put that picture on your album, not one but 20+ of them in different poses!!! wtf!

seriously. Ive been a brand promoter for nandini milk, and your move is just uncool and unprofessional.



3. people who like to tYpE lIkE tHiS. aNd tHiNk tHaT iTs rEaLly cOoL.

err. should I even say anything?
I appreciate you for your hard work with the shift button. but. thats it.



4. he does not hate alpa chino. he loves alpa chino.
alpa chino is god.booty sweat and bust-a-nut forever!



5.he hates people who will just read this post, and not comment.
lazy ass lazyasses!



err. thats it.

more from my bob the cow later.
over our bi-weekly coffee get-together.(not that there's anything wrong with that statement)

*its for the tail.
what were you thinking?

how high can you fly with broken wings?

the sun had set.
but it wasnt exactly night.

there were dark clouds around.
but it wasnt exactly raining.

exams were close.
but he didnt really feel like studying.

'how apt' he thought.

the world was still, as if waiting for something.
holding its breath. for the beginning of something.

'probably rain. the calm before the storm?'

he used to take lots of walks. long ago.
going out at night. during times, when the roads were least likely to be crowded.
for the exact thing that he hated, being alone.
his weekly ritual.
but that had stopped.
why?

'because, now Im always alone'


he used to have his own spot.
to sit. to think. to eat. to stare at the world.
but he didnt go there that day.

'too many sad emotions are linked to it'

he did what he used to do when he was a kid.
take the first right on every turn that he encountered.

he knew how to get back to his hostel again.
but he had no idea where he was.

'probably, I'll end up lost, or in a ditch'

he was at a high place.
probably.
the amount of wind, hinted at it.

he saw a light.
the familiar flame of a lighter.
and he went towards it.

'I need a smoke'

she was sitting on a rock.
bent over.
trying to protect the flame. unable to light that precious stick between her lips.

'feh. novice'

'here, allow me' he advanced.
she accepted his offer.

he lit it up.
gave it to her.

she tried to act cool, but ended up swallowing instead of breathing.
coughing vigorously.

'your first time?'
'ummm. yeah'

'dont'
'dont what?'
'smoke'

'why not? I can do bloody anything I want to' she got angry
'of course you can, its just not a good thing.its your choice of course'

'exactly, its always my choice. no matter what others say.'
'hmm yeah, you can do whatever you want. because its your responsibility' he said in a dreamy voice

something inside her snapped
she started speaking. and he never stopped her.
she didnt want to stop.
she didnt stop.

then, there was just silence.
she got a message, and she ran off.
'Im sorry. I have to go.'
'take care you'
'as should you'

it didnt rain that night.
but it poured the next day.

someone bumped into him that day. it was her.
but they didnt speak.
it wasnt unexpected though.
he had felt it the previous night.

'of course, thats how she is'


in class, he found a note in his labcoat.

'Im sorry, you know I cant. I wish i could though'

that evening, he saw her again.

'dont worry, I never expected it' he shouted
everyone heard it, but only she knew it was meant for her

she turned and smiled for a moment.


they smile, whenever they see each other.
from that day on.

sometimes, simple relationships, without expectations, are the best relationships.

eat, drink, and be hairy!

so the gears of rumour are turning again.

bongs are obsessed with 3 things - food, movies and CRICKET.
oh, wait. there's also paan.


and how did the kolkata night riders fare this IPL?

"theyre as alive and kicking as this bug underneath my lakhani chappal, says a dada in all his bong glory. and lo, it IS alive and kicking(and screaming perhaps)"

bugs are resilient creatures, and so are bongs, says one ancient legend from the great huge book of bongs*

what may be the reasons for them to fail so miserably this time?

"that fake IPL bass-turd", echoes one young of the 3 young bongies in kurta and jeans

"oori da, ekdom bhalo point bolle, eita to main point hocche(o brother, good point, thats the main point)
that fake IPL guy took us down the drains.
disunity create kore!
deshdrohi shaala!"
agrees bongy 2

and why are you wearing kurta and jeans?
"this happen be besht clothing of india. ekdom INDIgenous" sniggers bongy3
"aamra total intellectual"

then why does it look like you havent changed in the last....erm...3 weeks?
kichu o bole dada, aami mere debo
(he's talking crap bro, I'll hit him)
shaala, you wear clean shirt pant, you firangi, learn to be baangaali
I telling you, that what is causing dishharmoony in knight riders
those shaala bangluulu people send firangi model to our camp along with fake IPL player

and our knight riders become NIGHT riders? I suggest

"exjactly! here, have a paan for that statement, says babu in the paan stall
10 taaka baba, meetha bangla paan! khoob bhaalo khoob bhaalo"

so, what are you going to do this weekend?
"we watch movie in home. golu's mom making good popcorn and paan."

which movie?
"RituPORNO ghosh-er movie.
oi director is khoob classy khoob classy!"

and what else does dada have to say for the general public of this blog?

steps up a philosopher paunchy dada:

"aaare dada, I tell you, jindagi taa khooob bhaalo khoob bhaalo
eat khoob roshogulla
drink lots beer
and have healthy food like paan.
whatsay?"

"khoob bhalo khoob bhalo!"
screams the whole crowd.



*if youre still wondering
I'll publish it as soon as I find a publisher ;)



DISCLAIMER: all bongs are actually sexy, and nice, and sexy, and smart, and sexy, and un-hairy, and sexy and bathe everyday!

if my life has a theme song, I want it to be the theme song of mortal kombat!

I didnt go on a walk today.
I didnt go see the sunset.
its been ages since Ive done that anyway.

I had a practical exam today.
I didnt go to the library to cram it all up.
I slept through most of the morning today.
does it matter to anyone anyway?

I had a viva voce today.
I didnt answer any of the questions today.
I havent ever since, anyway.

when I was walking down the street today,
no hot girl came up to tell me how awesome I was.
that never happened after that anyway.

I shaved today.
and I looked proper.
but my shoelaces were untied.
and I didnt care to tie them up again anyway.

I didnt use up my balance today.
I didnt want to call.
its been a long time since my phone bill was that huge.
and it doesnt matter anymore anyway.

It was raining today.
but I didnt use an umbrella.
I wanted to feel it again.
the things that have stopped inside
still go on normally outside.

I woke up today.
and the world didnt seem to stop.
even though I have, since such a long time.

the Undeluded child : the concept of 'personality investment'

some things in your life, are just.......

landmarks.

some of those things, ideas, persons or maybe even embarrassing behaviour, you kept getting reminded of, in every single thing you do.

others though,
you think it, you obsess over it for a week, a month
and then poof, it goes into your archives.
to just sit there. waiting.

and when a little action, a few words, maybe something you eat, triggers a chain reaction,
everything comes flooding into your mind.
fresh. like it just happened an hour ago.

something like that happened to me last night.

this was waaaay back when I was a kid.
I still wore shorts to school.
and hair was just beginning to grow at funny places.

something happened which had me really wishing I could run away from everything.

I dont remember what, but it was no way related to my favourite pillow being torn.
(good days! good days!)


aah. Like I was saying,I wanted to run away.
most kids just stop there.

but then, whats undeluded, if he doesnt take it one step further? nothing.

thats when I made a plan, one of the most memorable plans Ive ever made(oh, Ive made a few* if you want to know)

I had just recently shifted from mumbai to bhopal at that time.
so, if I was going to run anywhere, that was where it was going to be(the people there are awesome, and HOT GIRLS YAYAY!)(or delhi of course)

and how was I going to survive?

the idea came to me, in a flash
it was like the skies parted, and suddenly I saw bright light.



I was going to sell myself.


bah. you pervs.
not THAT way.

here, comes in the brilliance of undeluded.

the concept of it was:

people invest in companies. which they think can give them a profit.
so.......why cant people invest in ME, if they think I can get them some quick money.

people put money in banks, because they get an interest.
if I could give them a higher interest rate, and an assurance of trust, then......why not?

people make fixed deposits.
so if I can turn their money into a bit more than what the govt. of india does.......wouldnt they try it?

people trade in shares, and the rising stars are the most popular ones, the most profitable ones.
so. exactly. you couldnt find a better investment than undeluded.

thus, all I had to do
was turn on the undeluded charm on full thrust.
give them something concrete as a guarantee.
document it all to make the transaction completely legal.
and I have capital to make something big.

I call this, my 'personality investment concept'

please dont steal it without due credit and permission.

actually Im surprised, that a kid could come up with something brilliant, but then, thats what undeluded was. sparkly. brilliant.
yup.

and then, came the next step of the plan where I use that capital to.....


*hears snoring noise coming in from the screen.

alright alright I get it.

its a long post, and youre not interested.
no more.

feh.

white album

once upon a time.

a deluded person, had an inspiration.
less of an inspiration, and more of insight, he debated.

it was about stars, chocolates and sunlight.
about tennis, labcoats and milk cartons.

he had an idea, which he thought would change the world
a wonderful idea
a gentle idea
an idea which touched his heart to the core, and shook it.

at that moment
with that thought in his mind
everything, seemed okay
the world wasnt bad
he wasnt lonely
chocolate milkshake couldnt beat strawberry(it still cant)

he was always, a laidback guy
(he always lay-ed in the back and slept)
but this idea,
made him see everything, in a different light
the world was seen in shades of purple, and it seemed great

it was as if his eyes were always closed
and he was groping for the truth
and that idea, had been the truth that he groped for
he groped the air around him
he caught it
he shouted out 'yay'





and then he opened his eyes.






the whole class was staring at him.

he got his attendance cut off for sleeping(and dreaming, and making weird gestures while sleeping) in class


oh, well
life's like that.
at least he still had the idea

wait.

what was the idea again?
damn.
he forgot.

thats why one wise man once said, when you wake up, effing write it down!